Many couples struggle in blending the two main components of eroticism and intimacy in their committed relationship. Many couples state that people feel so excited about the physical relationship with their partners in the beginning of their love life or marriage life, but the same spark or sexual desires and excitement don’t stay and last after some years.
But before we dive into this, I would like to explain my opinion about what “eroticism and intimacy” is. When we state eroticism, I might say it is “desire “ or excitement about anything and everything. This can include fetishes, fantasies and kinks. I personally feel that eroticism cannot always coincide with emotions or love but it can. The problem with most of us is that we often think eroticism is the opposite of love.
And intimacy is often referred to emotional closeness. Each one of them experience intimacy in different ways. Some might really have a great talk with the person close to their heart and they might feel intimate, or some might feel that with a touch of someone which is completely non-sexual. Intimacy is not sex but you can always experience intimacy during sex.
Some people also think that eroticism is just “porn sex” where they have sex only for the purpose of arousal and orgasms. And many of them fear in bringing up eroticism with their partner just because we think that it’s disrespecting the partner or even the fear of judgement from their own loved one.
why does this happen?
- You might feel that you were just having this phase of life with your partner and that you have to stick upon the other responsibilities like kids, family, expenses etc.
- You don’t have sexual or intimate conversation with your partner anymore.
- Overwhelmed or stressed in your life.
- Lack self confidence
- Struggle with trust issues
- Or maybe, you have never experienced eroticism with your partner.
There are other reasons that you might be experiencing and the question that arises is “what can I do now? “
Well, nothing is wrong with you! Blending sexual eroticism and sexual desires and intimacy can be challenging for most of us, simply because sex and emotions are complex.
Before finding for an answer, ask yourself these questions:
What does sex represent to me? And what did I learn about sex and gender related sexual roles at different stages of my life? What does sexual and emotionally close mean to me? Where am I during sex, mentally?
And if you can answer all these without the fear of judgement in front of your partner, then you are on the right path.
Ultimately, what this all come down regardless of your own personal insecurities, fears or beliefs is vulnerability.
Vulnerability is a basic thing that motivates us to push people or experience it away in fear of exposing it.
Without openness we cannot be vulnerable
and without vulnerability, we cannot explore what we like sexually in order to be erotic.
Without vulnerability, we cannot explore our emotions and connect with our partner intimately.
5 Signs To Identify A Toxic Relationship
I would like to start with a confession- I have been the toxic person in certain situations, too. I know what you must be thinking now- What makes her fit to talk against toxicity, then? Well, my answer is simple. I’m only human. I have let my emotions get in the way of rational thinking and broken bridges. But I believe the most important thing to do when you make a mistake is to acknowledge it and mend whatever was broken. In this article, I am going to discuss five signs to identify a toxic relationship with you. If you want me to write about identifying toxic people, let me know in the comments.
When I say relationship, I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I’m talking about any type of relationship between two individuals. It could be the relationship between two friends, sibling, classmates, or colleagues; the relationship between a boss and an employee; the relationship between a parent and a child; or a romantic relationship. I would once again like to remind you, that I’m not better than you or any other human being when it comes to handling relationships. But I do know enough about toxic relationships to know one when I see one. The following are five signs to identify a toxic relationship in the early stages. If you relate any of these, make sure you communicate it properly to your partner and decide how to proceed.
Also Read: Can Writing Help your Mental Health
Five signs to identify a toxic relationship
Before we get into the ways of identification, I would like to go over what a ‘toxic relationship’ is. I’m sure you have all come across the phrase in social media and all that. but, what does it mean?
Any relationship where one party suffers damage because of the attitudes or behaviour of their partner can be called a toxic relationship. Damage here is not limited to physical, financial or just any kind of damage we can see with our eyes. It also includes the mental and emotional suffering inflicted on a person.
To identify toxic patterns in a relationship, pay close attention to the little things. Here are the five ways to identify a toxic relationship:
1. They silence you often
One of the first (and most annoying) things a toxic person does is making everything about themselves. They silence you when you raise your opinions or concerns in a conversation. Even if they let you speak, they pay little attention to what you have to say.
2. They disrespect you and your time
A toxic person will often not respect the effort you put into the relationship. They constantly forget to respond to texts. They are not punctual to appointments and waste your time. These people constantly put you down and refuse to apologise.
3. They try to control you
Another prominent trait in toxic persons is controlling behaviour. This is especially prevalent in romantic relationships. The person controls who you interact with, where you go, how you dress, and many other parts of your life that should be personal. In worst-case scenarios, you don’t even realise that you are being controlled and the other person can manipulate your thoughts and give you low self-esteem.
This one works both ways. Either you find out that the other person is not always honest, or you find yourself constantly lying to them to avoid conflict. This can go to the extent of you not being able to be yourself around the other person.
5. They make you feel worthless
Toxic people impose their insecurities on you and leave you feeling worthless. They make you feel like you are not good enough no matter how accomplished you are. Being around a toxic person can change the way you look at yourself. You will slowly lose interest in self-care and grooming, become bitter about yourself or even hate yourself.
If you identify any of the above-mentioned traits in a person you associate with, it is important to let them know. Communicate your concerns properly and sort it out as soon as possible.
Also, remember that toxic traits in a relationship could be contributed by both parties. It’s not always one person’s fault.
Also Read: How Can I Be A Mental Health Ally
Can Toxic Relationships Be Fixed?
The answer is yes, and no.
The first thing to do when you identify toxic patterns in a relationship, sit down and have a conversation. Chances are, the person does not realise that their behaviour affects you so much or they will acknowledge the issue and try to fix it in most cases. Toxicity is deeply rooted in our culture and the pre-defined relationship roles of our society. So, it might be worth a shot to give a person the benefit of doubt.
However, if the person refuses to acknowledge their mistakes and apologise, or to try and change their behaviour to salvage the relationship, call it quits. You do not have to deal with someone’s selfishness. There is no way to solve toxicity in a relationship, especially in a romantic one, if only one person is willing to compromise (sorry, Sima Taparia from Mumbai!).
What if I am the toxic one?
This, I can guide you through. As I confessed in the beginning, I have been the toxic one in certain situations. When I was called out for it or when I identified it myself, the first thing I did was owning it. This was the most difficult part of the process. Once I acknowledged my mistakes, it was extremely easy to fix (most of) them.
So, if you find out you are the toxic one:
- Acknowledge it.
- Apologise for your behaviour.
- Do not justify or try to make the other person feel bad.
- Be open to making changes in your behaviour.
- Try to be a better person.
Steps you can take to fix a toxic relationship
Once you have identified toxic patterns in a relationship and communicated your concerns to the other person, comes the real challenge. The challenge is working together to fix the relationship. Always remember that it is you and the other person vs. the problem, not you vs. the other person.
I don’t want to get into detail for the sake of keeping this short. But I will probably write a separate article dedicated to this subject soon.
- Practice healthy communication.
- Revise your boundaries.
- Seek professional help or therapy (especially couples).
- Establish a personal space.
- Use your voice without hesitation.
- Be prepared to walk away if things don’t work.
To know more about how you can fix a toxic relationship, read this post from Online Life Guide (this one focuses on couples).
Also Read: When Perception Becomes Reality
We all see this word and might think that independence is all about the day we got freedom for our Country. And we all tell that we are a practical person. But what about independent in personal lives and are we really practical? Do you ever have this feeling or a question to yourself that “when will i stop relying?” This question might arise on your mind at different situations of your life. it might be when you re in a toxic relationship with someone when you want to just run away from the person. Or it might be when you are with your parents and they might behave over-protective. Many of you might have even felt confused seeing the topic,and what we are going to discuss here is a little unique because we are not using the literal meaning of independence.
for example ,when we use some sentences like “leave me alone” or “i don’t want to be dependent on someone” do we really mean all this? Maybe , those are the moments when we really want someone with us. We need to first understand the meaning of “independence” before you say it to someone else. So before diving into the topic, i would like to say the meaning of “practical independence.” Practical independence simply means not relying on anyone except ourselves in difficult times.
An independent person need not always isolate themselves from others or stay away from people to be independent. We can be in a really happy relationship but we might have a feeling that we dot get the space that we want or need.
Most of us would have been in a relationship where we might have been really talking or hanging out with the person. But we might feel so devastated when they become busy for a day or so.we might also feel that the love that the person has for us have been decreased. It would have literally been only 2-3 days but it might feel like 2-3 years for us. But when the same person continuously keeps checking our phones or when we want to spend some time with our friends and family, and this person keeps nagging us by always wanting attention we get angry. We might torture the person to act according to our values and standards but we can’t accept that when the same person does that to you.why does this happen?
the answer is because we aren’t dependent on ourselves. we often rely o someone’s private life so much that we forget to give them their space. we might want them to understand when we need some privacy. But we wouldn’t give that to the person we love! A practical person focuses on carrying out concrete actions, and they tend to achieve clearly useful objectives with more or less immediate reinforcement. Being practical in a relationship in many ways because we get the space that we need and we also end up giving the space that the others need.
All most all of us have this really bad issues with our families in our teenage. We might want to just run away from home or some might also feel depressed. In fact, an American study says that the suicide rate of teenagers are more in percentage than any other age group and most of theirs reasons are these. We might feel that we really want to be independent and we all want our parents to understand this. Many parents are so broad minded and they let their children do the things they dream of. But majority of parents end up forcing the child to live up to the societies standards and they expect the children to follow all these for the sake of the family’s prestige. So you might think what has “practical independence got to do with this!
Being practical in such situations of life might help us for our whole lifetime. At the moment of pressure or depression we might want to run away or even kill ourselves. We feel that no one understands us. But thinking practical enough, why should someone understand us? Everyone faces some problem or the other in their life. And anyone would definitely think about their own problems than other’s. So being practical in our darkest situation of our life really teach us that we mustn’t rely on anyone. Which automatically is what being dependent is all about. It is also important to be a good parent and teach your child about what being self-reliable and practical is.
THE ULTIMATE IDEA
Being practical is just being realistic. We watch all the movies and series and end up with an ideology of love that does not collaborate with reality at all. Nothing that happens in movies would really happen in reality because movies and books are just fantasies and creation of yet another human being who has been fascinated about the unrealistic world. So the ultimate idea of being independent is being practical.
Being practical is more important than being positive!
In a world filled with fantasy, It is natural that we all wonder and fantasize about so many things in our lives. but thinking in a worldly perspective would definitely make us understand that fantasies would always be a fantasy and that we got to accept the REALITY! Always depend on yourself and not others.
So its important to accept the reality for every good deed that has to happen in our lives. Being independent is really important in our lives because that is what makes us a person. And being practically independent is what is much more important because everyone is raise to be an independent person and not a victim of anything. BECAUSE MAKING YOURSELF A PRIORITY IS NOT SELFISH,BUT A NECESSITY.
THIS BOOKS WOULD REALLY HELP YOU IN BEING A PRACTICALLY INDEPENDENT PERSON.
Self Love : More Than Just A Hashtag
Self love is important. People misunderstand self love. Get your perspective about self love right. Read more.
The term self love does rounds on social media, especially on positive posts. A post about acceptance of oneself or supporting another, we’re bound to find the term in there somewhere, at least as a hashtag.
Popular widely ? Yes. Understood widely ? No.
What and Why is it Important ?
Self love is a state of appreciation and love for oneself. It grows from the things one does for oneself – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. It is putting oneself first for the sake of one’s overall well-being and also motivates one to make healthy decisions.
As much as self love is something for everyone to understand and practice, it is, perhaps, also a very misunderstood concept. The concept of this topic has been seen in two lights – positive and negative. The negative concept overrules the positive one, stating it as a mark of pure selfishness and ego.
Self love is important for the overall well-being of an individual. It doesn’t mean one has to be the richest, or the most beautiful, or the most popular. It is about accepting oneself, despite the existence of flaws. Being gentle and accepting of oneself does wonders for an individual. Self love is about taking care of oneself to carry one through the journey of life. It helps to live a life worth living, for self love helps one understand oneself and one’s needs better.
In other words, self love is an underestimated source of strength, happiness and fulfillment. It lets one be oneself, true to the core and humane.
Why do people not understand the concept of self love ?
Many people struggle with the idea of loving themselves. This, perhaps, could have originated from their surroundings (households for one) where they must have seen love wax and wane according to the situation. This means that in such cases, It is a new concept to the individuals. They have to learn how to nurture themselves. People, unfortunately, fail to understand and think that it can be achieved through expensive clothes or anything materialistic.
This cannot be bought or neither can it be achieved in a day. It has to be developed – in healthy ways. It is very much needed as most people today tend to be dissatisfied with themselves and are constantly looking for ways to outdo one another, considering everything competition. What they don’t realize is that the only competition that exists is us being better today than we were yesterday.
Give it a thought and indulge yourself in learning to love yourself. At the end of the day, all you have is you. Besides, one can always use a little of the love and time one gives others for oneself.
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